Thoughts on parenting

As my children grow, I have found myself reflecting more often on the nature of my parenting. And, insofar as I am able, I strive to be a more effective parent as a result of this reflection.

During this process, I have inevitably made some generalisations and drawn certain conclusions which I endeavour to apply as consciously as I can.

However, I inevitability make mistakes, I fall short of my own expectations and I disappoint myself.

Such is the nature of life.

Although parenting at first seems all about our children, it quickly becomes apparant that it is actually mostly about ourselves as individuals.

As C G Jung said 'if there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves'. p.170

Jung also says that

'It is of course not possible for parents to have no complexes at all. That would be superhuman. But they should at least come to terms with them consciously; they should make it a duty to work out their inner difficulties for the sake of the children. They should not take the easy road of repressing them in order to avoid painful discussions' - p.125

This is why Jung observered that 'the things which have the most powerful effects on children do not come from the conscious state of parents but from their unconscious background' - p. 41.

As I see it ...

The goal of parenting is to:

aDevelop character (depth and range of desirable virtues)
aMould behaviour (so conscious values determine behaviour)
aCreate purpose (a sense of vocation and significance in life)
To achieve this, parenting must be tailored to:
aType (each psychological preference operates differently)
aStage (staged ego development is a constraint)
aSituation (the environment conditions and provides context)
Parenting must also recognise:
aChildren’s independence (aging is gradual independence)
aParental limitations (no one can do or know everything)
aThe indeterminacy of life (life is unpredictable)
Therefore parenting also requires:
aPatience (Rome wasn't built in a day)
aPlanning (avoids problems and creates opportunities)
aPurpose (conscious parenting is directed towards something)
And parents must be:
aConscious (motives and behaviour must always be examined)
aConsistent (inconsistency undermines everything)
aCreative (always another way to achieve an outcome)
Because parenting is:
aConstant (must always keep on keeping on)
aChallenging (there’s a lot of hard stuff to do)
aComplicated (many factors thwart understanding)
Parenting must be guided by:
aIdeals (our beliefs, values and priorities guide our parenting)
aInvolvement (parenting is being involved in the little things of life)
aIntegrity (purity of intentions and transparency of actions)
Parents must give children:
aExamples (so that they learn through watching)
aFreedom (to learn through doing and learn from mistakes)
aDiscipline (to develop self-discipline and self-control)
As children grow, parenting is increasingly:
aCollaborative (increasing number of peers & external influences)
aIndirect (influence becomes more critical than control)
aContested (individuality challenges a parents actions and decisions)
Parents should at all times protect:
aCommunication (discuss rationale, thinking and decision making)
aConnection (shared things in common that bind)
aConfidence (trust produced through respect is essential)
Parenting activities must be:
aBalanced (physical, psychological, social, intellectual and spiritual)
aRealistic (recognise what is/isn't achievable in any circumstance)
aMutable (we must always be prepared to change when required)
Parenting is all about:
aPreparation (we condition our children’s adaptation and worldview)
aLeadership (being a parent is all about being a leader)
aMindfulness (children need to be increasingly mindful of life)
Sources:
Jung, C. G. 1954, The Development of Personality, Bollingen Series, vol. 17, trans. Baynes, H. G., Princeton University Press, Princeton, NJ.