This blog is intended as the first part in a series of blogs which will seek to address the process of human development as the context for individual behaviour and worldview development.Initiaially, I wish to focus my thoughts on how the self/other relationship develops (and exerts a determining influence), as well as how this might relate to parenting specifically and inter-personal interaction more generally.
It seems clear to me that we are born into a world made up of objects (things, people, situations). Initially we are unaware of any objects, and moreover, we are even born unaware of ourselves.
Gradually we become aware of objects immediately around us. They become “mine” (things- my toy, people - my mother, places- my home). The objects around us become mine when the physical object associates with the ideational object. Both are necessary, and this association is achieved through projection.
We then become aware of other objects, which become “not mine” (not my toy, not my mother, not my house). The point of reference (loci) for all the objects around us is “I”, “me”, “mine” (self). Mine represents security – the primordial “having”. This is because the idea is internal to “me”. Having occurs because ego asserts ownership of the idea of the object (why we say “I’ve just had the idea”). At this stage the connection between ego and object is instinctive & unconscious identification.
The family group creates the first opportunity for divergent thinking. The first divergence is the evolution of the ”not mine” distinction to include “you” & “yours” – which is the first me/not me (other). The second divergence is the evolution of “us” thinking – me, my mother, my sister/brother becomes “us” (which initially is inflated mine). This leads to the mine/yours distinction (my toy and your toy, my room and your room, my plate and your plate).
Still, the reference point is “me” and “me” has a personality type – an instinctive “modus operandi” in the world. The elements of personality type include:
- Extraversion (E) is the attitudinal preference for the physical object over its associated ideational object.
- Introversion (I) is attitudinal preference for the idea of the object over the physical object.
- Sensation (S) is the preference for taking in (perceiving) concrete objects (actual)
- Intuition (N) is the preference for taking in (perceiving) abstracted objects (potential)
- Thinking (T) is the preference to order objects based on their (perceived) properties
- Feeling (F) is the preference to order objects based on their (perceived) relations
- Perceiving (P) is the habitual preference for taking in more than ordering - in the world around us (external)
- Judging (J) is the habitual preference for ordering things more than taking in - in the world around us (external)
The common theme (irrespective of personality type) from this development is the habitual pattern of how I (self) relate to objects (other), and because objects are not me, they become other.
Not only does our innate personality type (nature) exert a determining influence on our habitual pattern of self/other relating, as we develop we accumulate learned unconscious responses called complexes (nurture). Complexes that we are not aware of are autonomous factors that influences our lives. Complexes attach to every aspect of the self/other relationship (people, things, places) and give a quality to the self/other relationship – either positive or negative.
For individuation to occur, we need to increase our level of consciousness of the self/other relation. Our consciousness of self/other determines our actions. The priority we place on self versus other (value) determines our actions. The attitude of self to to other (virtue) determines our actions. We also need to expose our complexes to the reflection and examination of consciousness
The quality of our self/other relationships determines the quality of our lives. To be in relation to is to be human, and the self/other relationship is reciprocal - not only does subject (self) influence object (other), but other influences self.
The virtues of gratitude (appreciation, thankfulness), humility (modesty, reserve, diffidence), kindness (compassion, sensitivity, gentleness), respect (courtesy, reverence, honour), wonder (awfulness, numinous), mercy (sympathy, forgiveness, tolerance) and patience (tolerance) all flow from an appropriate priority and attitude toward other.
A self/other relationship established with integrity, that is adaptable, balanced, and sincere produces trust, friendship, understanding and intimacy. Communication occurs in a self/other relationship and its effectiveness rests on the state of that relationship. Similarly, projection, and therefore unconsciousness, exerts a decisive influence the self/other relationship.
Eventually, quality self/other relationships produce a conscious awareness of Other, an awareness wherein self (me) recognises Self (thou) and our point of reference (loci) for world changes. Our awareness of Self is the beginning of the spiritual, and thus the self/other relationship delivers the human yearning for transcendence.
Therefore, helping our children become aware of what is otherwise unconscious, namely their self/other relationships, and helping them learn how to assign value and understand their attitudes toward other, is a necessary and critical element in our parenting. The challenge is how to do this in light of our own development - as well as theirs. Similarly, in our inter-personal relationships we need to be mindful of our own understanding of the self/other aspects of relationship.